Lately I’ve watched as each moment blurs by me. I guess that’s why I haven’t written much in June. Every day, Life seems to get in the way.
I can tell myself a long list of reasons to justify my lack of motivation. For one, Sung and I were searching for rentals because the owners of our old place decided to put the building up for sale. We were lucky enough to find a great new place. And we only had to haul our stuff a few miles across town. Still, moving stressed me out more than I like to admit.
Another reason I felt too busy is because I started online community college. I’m working toward my ECE (Early Childhood Education) certificate so I can teach preschool. The classes aren’t difficult and I like what I’m learning. They do require a lot of writing, so at the end of the day I feel like I’ve reached my internal wordcount without ever logging into this blog.
But those aren’t the real reasons. They’re just the cherry on top of the ice cream Sunday that is my inner distress. The true cause for my uncreativity is I can’t seem to get to my happy place lately. I don’t mean a physical location, more like the peaceful space I find within my own mind. Like a real room, it has a lock and key. I sometimes lock myself out. I could spend weeks searching for a spare key.
Another way to describe how I feel is like an old-school remote for a VHS player. One time when I was a kid I was fiddling around with the remote trying to skip the opening credits of a movie. I pressed the fast forward button too hard. It got stuck, and I couldn’t get it to stop fast forwarding. The player made a high-pitched whine while the entire movie spooled out from the tape. That’s what I mean when I say I’m just mentally sitting back while everything goes by in a blur.
The last few nights I’ve stayed up late. Maybe it’s the full moon, maybe it’s too much caffeine. My mind is busy but my laptop screen stays blank. A lot of thinking, no typing. Although I am breathing normally I feel like mentally I’m hyperventilating.
Finally I realize what I’m trying to say in this post: if you’re feeling like its hard to really live in the moment, like you’re just floating through life without your feet on the ground, you’re not alone. I wish I had the secret to stop skipping past the present. But at least I will appreciate the moment when my perception slows down to regular speed and I can take a deep breath once again.